He said nothing, his back unnaturally stiff. “Are you sure you’re fine?”
“Yes,” I said, exasperated. “Can you stop asking me that? I’m fine. I’m okay. Tonight was a small setback, but—”
“I know.” He looked over his shoulder, his voice measurably lower and even. “I know, Alex. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have anything to apologize for.”
He let out a short laugh. “I have a lot to apologize for, Alex.”
I stared at him. This was about something more than what had just happened with Seth. Yeah, he was ticked off, mostly for my benefit and I appreciated that, but this was more. I thought of the weird gap between us in the last few days.
Irritation pricked my skin. “What is your deal?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“You don’t?” I stalked up to him and reached up to place my hand on his face. He flinched away, and I felt that in the pang in my chest. “That! That’s what I’m talking about.”
He scowled.
Like with any other situation in my life, when I was annoyed or frightened by one thing, I pretty much turned all that energy on something else. “You’ve been acting weird for days and practically hiding from me.”
“I haven’t been hiding from you, Alex.” A muscle worked in his jaw as he stared out the window. “Do you really think this is the time to be talking about this?”
I took a deep breath and felt my famous temper rise to the occasion. “Is there a better time?”
“Maybe when you haven’t just been sucked into gods-know-where by Seth and we’re not planning on going out there and coming face-to-face with gods-know-what.” He glanced over his shoulder, eyes a cool gray. “Maybe then.”
Oh, I was two seconds from jumping on his back and strangling him from behind… with love, of course.
“Do you think we’re going to get a better time to talk about this? That sometime in the near future everything is just going to pause for us to have a heart-to-heart?” Aiden had turned back to the window, but I didn’t need to see his face to know he wasn’t a happy camper. “Okay. I don’t get this. You were fine when we came back. We—”
“We shouldn’t have done that.”
Pain sliced into my chest like he’d socked me. At once, I felt the marks respond, bleeding across my skin.
Aiden’s head tipped down and he cursed. “I didn’t mean it like that. That night—it was the best night of my life. I don’t regret it, but I should’ve waited until you’d had time to come to grips with everything. I lost… I lost control.”
I stepped forward. “I like when you lose control.”
He shook his head mutely.
“I was okay, Aiden. I wasn’t damaged. I’m not damaged now. So why are you hiding from me?”
“I’m not hiding from you.”
“Bull! You avoid spending any time alone with me, except at night.”
Aiden faced me, thrusting his fingers through his hair. “At night, when I’m sleeping, is the only time I don’t think about it—what I did. You… don’t understand. What I did to you—putting you on the Elixir? I don’t deserve anything else.”
“You—”
“I didn’t have to, Alex. It was weak of me. I didn’t trust that eventually you’d break the bond. And seeing what it did to you? I can’t forgive myself for that.”
My mouth dropped open. “You can’t blame yourself for that! You did what was right.”
Anger flashed in his eyes. “It wasn’t right.”
“Aiden—”
“The Elixir was one of your greatest fears, Alex! And I did that to you!”
Surprised, I took a step back. Rarely did Aiden ever raise his voice, but I knew his anger and frustration weren’t directed at me. It was his own guilt—guilt he shouldn’t be carrying around with him.
“How…” He came forward, lowering his voice as his eyes locked with mine. “How is what I did any different than what Seth did to you—is still doing to you?”
I gaped. “Putting me on the Elixir isn’t the same thing as Seth twisting me into a psychotic Apollyon!”
“But I stripped you of who you are, Alex. It’s the same.” Heat rolled off him in waves, intensifying as the seconds passed. Most people would’ve been terrified of him like this.
I was mostly annoyed—and saddened.
“I held you down and forced your mouth open as Marcus gave you the Elixir.” He shook his head a little, as if he was dumbfounded by his own actions. “You begged for me to stop and I didn’t. I watched the Elixir take hold, and it was me who became your Master. I can’t…” He cut off and turned away.
Tears filled my eyes. Wanting nothing more than to take that guilt away, I was at a loss as to how I could. I stepped behind him, wanting to just hug him until he understood I didn’t blame him. If there was anyone else more stubborn than me in this world, it was Aiden. If the tables were turned, Aiden would’ve had something ridiculously supportive to say. He would use an eloquent mash-up of words that meant something, and when that didn’t work, he would just tell me how it was.
I didn’t have pretty words, so I settled on second—er, third best. “Look, I hate to cut through your self-pity with a big dose of grow-up.”
Turning around, Aiden’s brows shot up and he opened his mouth.
“No.” I placed my hand over his lips—his warm, warm lips. My entire arm tingled from the contact. “You had to make a tough decision. All of you did. I was Evil Alex. And I remember threatening to pull out Deacon’s ribcage. I can understand why you did it.”
He wrapped his fingers around my wrist and gently removed my hand, though he didn’t let go. Score! “Alex, this isn’t about you forgiving me.”
“Then what’s it about?” I moved closer, my thighs knocking into his locked knees. “I forgive you. Hell, there’s nothing to forgive. And if anything, I should be thanking you.”
Dropping my hand, he looked away and shook his head as he moved to the couch, sitting heavily. “Don’t ever thank me for putting you on the Elixir.”
“Ugh!” I threw up my hand. I was this close to knocking him off the couch. “I wasn’t thanking you for that. I was thanking you for not giving up on me. For still being there for me when I was acting like a psycho.”
He stared up at me, stony as ever.
“I want to strangle you.”
Aiden arched a brow.
I let out a long breath. “We’ve all done things that we regret. I’m living with the fact that I threatened everyone that I care about. You have no idea the things I thought—the things I believed in—when I was connected with Seth. Or maybe you do, but it’s not the same. And if I can get over it, then by gods, you need to get over it.”
His mouth opened, but I wasn’t done. “I need you right now, more than ever. And I don’t need you to just hold me at night.” I paused, frowning. “Even though that’s really nice and all, I need you to really be here.”
Hurt flashed in his silvery eyes. “I am here for you.”
“You’re not.” I shook my head. “You can’t be when you’re sulking around here, blaming yourself for something you had to do. I need you to man up, Aiden.”
“Man up?” He sat back in a lazy, arrogant sprawl, but the coiled tension was in every muscle in his body. “It’s a good thing I love you or I’d find that particularly insulting.”
“If you love me, you’d get over this. You’d deal with it, accept that you had to do it, and get past it.” My breath got caught. “Because I’m scared out of my mind, Aiden, and I don’t know how any of us are going to survive what’s happening. Right now, I need you—all of you. We—we—are more important than your guilt, or at least I thought so, but apparently I’m wasting my breath.”
I was really close to tipping the couch back and dumping him off of it, but he shot up and was in front of me before I could blink an eye. He wrapped an arm around my waist and our eyes locked. Everywhere our bodies touched, heat rushed to the surface. It wasn’t like I had forgotten what it was like to be in his arms, I just wasn’t prepared for it.
I could never be prepared for it.
Neither was Aiden. His eyes were burning a liquid silver and his arm tightened around me. “I would never give up on you, Alex. Never.”
“Then why are you being such a—”
“What?” His voice dropped low. “I’m being what?”
Infuriating. Stubborn. Thick-skulled. Freaking sexy. “Good gods, can we stop arguing and just, I don’t know, make out?”
A deep, husky laugh rumbled through his body and teased mine. “Is that what you want?”
More than the air I breathed. “What do you think?”
He moved forward, backing me up until I was pressed against the closed door. “That I’m seriously in love with your one-track mind.”
I opened my mouth to point out that my multitasking skills had drastically improved, but Aiden took advantage. His mouth was on mine, and the kiss—oh, the kiss killed that freshly acquired skilled. Blew it right out the window.
When he lifted his head, just by the slightest, I gasped.
“Okay. You may have a point,” he said.
“A point?” I thought I’d made several.
“It’s hard, Alex, remembering how you were,” Aiden admitted quietly. He slid a hand through the mess of hair at the nape of my neck, sending shivers dancing over my skin. “I hated it. Hated every moment of it.”
I placed my hand on his cheek. “I know.”
“And all I could think about was getting you back.” He pressed his lips to my temple and then the hollow of my cheek. “But you’re right. I haven’t been here completely.”
“You’re not going to feel guilty over that, too?”
He grinned against the side of my neck, his lips moving against my wildly pounding pulse. “You always have to be such a smartass.”
Looping my arm around his neck, I smiled. “Maybe…” Hope dared to spark. “Are you okay, now? Are we okay?”
“We’re okay.” Aiden kissed me softly and kept on kissing me as he lifted me just by one arm and turned me around. Within seconds, my back was pressing into the cushion and he was over me, fully-clothed and covered with weapons. “I’m okay.”
“You are?”
He smiled and it revealed those dimples. “I will be.”
I started to say something, but his hand drifted down my side, tracing the line of my ribcage and then higher, and I totally forgot what I was going to say. I felt dizzy with expectation, of want and need, and a hundred other things as my heart pounded and my breath grew short.
“Thank you,” he whispered, and then brought his lips to mine again, pressing me closer, until our hips fitted together tightly. Crazy-insane sensations rushed over my body. “Thank you.”
