Dr. Penn was still talking. He didn’t know that there was a roaring white noise in her head. “It’ll come back to you … Kayla. If you just relax.”
Her mouth trembled. Tears found their way into the corners of her mouth, leaving a wet, salty taste on her tongue. “How long … asleep?”
“A little more than a month.”
The relief she felt at that was so stunning she laughed out loud. She meant to wipe her eyes, but she had no control. She smacked herself in the nose and laughed harder.
“It’s okay,” Dr. Penn said in a nice, even voice. “Your emotions are off track right now, along with your motor skills. But there’s no permanent damage. It’ll all come back.”
She was still grinning as tears rolled down her cheeks and plopped onto her bare arm. She felt like an idiot, laughing and crying at the same time. She didn’t care about her motor skills; she cared about her life. “How old … am I?”
He paused, glanced at Sarah, and then sighed as he looked back at Kayla.
They wanted to lie to her; she could see it in their eyes. “Don’t … please … don’t lie,” she whispered.
Dr. Penn sighed. “You’re thirty-nine.”
She couldn’t breathe. Focusing on his gray eyes, she shook her head. “No … no … I’m almost twenty-four. I got married two and a half years ago. Juliana just had her first birthday. I remember all this perfectly.”
“There are other things—other times—you can’t remember yet. But it’ll come back. It’s best if you let it come back naturally. Just give yourself a little time.”
It took all her strength of will to formulate one little sentence. “I want … to see my husband now.”
Dr. Penn looked at Sarah again, then he nodded. “Just a minute.”
Kayla tried to keep breathing evenly as they left the room. She climbed back into bed, where she felt safe. Julian would tell her the truth. He would tell her—
The door opened again. Only it wasn’t Julian; it was another stranger. She shook her head. “No … more …”
Slowly he came up to the bed.
She frowned. She couldn’t marshal her scattered thoughts into a sentence. She wanted to tell him to go away.
He touched her, grabbed her shoulders, and pulled her gently toward him. She felt like a rag doll, sagging in his arms.
He stared at her, and his eyes were so green. She’d never seen eyes so filled with comfort. It calmed her, the way he looked at her. “Forever,” he whispered.
The word struck a chord deep, deep inside her. She felt her body go still, her heartbeat even out. Even the air in her lungs seemed to refill itself. The word—forever—drifted through her, swirling, meaning something that she couldn’t grasp on to; it found no perch and fluttered away.
“Remember me,” he said, gently shaking her.
And all at once, she did. “I do … remember you,” she said quietly. “You’re the other doctor.”
He let go of her; it was so unexpected that she fell back into the mound of pillows. She had the strangest thought that she had wounded him. Those green eyes looked so sad …
“I’m sorry …” she whispered, though she had no idea what she’d done to wound this man. “I just … want to see my husband.”
As he turned away, she almost called out for him. She wanted him to look at her again, to touch her and make her feel safe, but she knew it was ridiculous.
“Okay,” he said softly. “I’ll go get Julian.”
Chapter Twenty
Julian sat in the waiting room. He tried to remain calm but couldn’t stop his foot from tapping. There were only two people in the room—him and Stephen—but still it felt airless and crowded. Liam had left a few minutes ago to see Kayla.
He’d spent most of last night trying to figure out how and when to tell her the truth of their past. Now, here it was, nearly noon, and he was no closer to an answer.
Liam walked into the room. He looked … beaten. He pushed a hand through his hair and sighed heavily. Even from this distance, Julian could see that Liam’s hand was shaking.
He looked at Julian. “She wants to see her husband.”
Julian turned to Dr. Penn. “What now? You told her she was thirty-nine years old, and then you bolted. What am I supposed to tell her when she asks where she’s been for fifteen years?”
“Tell her where you’ve been.” It was Liam’s voice.
Julian spun to face him. “Yeah, you’d like that.”
“Like that? I don’t like you even being in the same room with her.” He moved toward Julian. “If she asks you a direct question, I want you to answer truthfully. You can evade—but don’t lie. Steve said that she left him no room to weasel out of her questions.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t go see her.”
“How could they let such a coward play Lizard Man?”
“I was the Green Menace,” he answered automatically, “and a stand-in did all the dangerous stuff.” Julian’s voice fell to a whisper that only Liam could hear. “I’m … afraid of hurting her.”
“That’s the best news I’ve heard today.”
Julian waited, but Liam didn’t say anything else. “Well,” he said at last, “I’ll go see her.”
He ducked out of the room and walked slowly down the hallway. Really slowly.
At her door he paused. Forcing a bright smile, he opened the door.
She was asleep.
He shut the door quietly and went to her bedside. She looked so peaceful, so beautiful …
Slowly she blinked awake. “Jules? Is that you?”
He leaned over her. It took an act of pure will to force a smile. “Heya, Kay.”
She worked herself up to a sit, and by the time she was finished, she was breathing heavily. There was a fine sheen of perspiration on her forehead. “Where’s Juliana? I want to see my baby—”
“She’ll be here soon, I promise.”
“I missed you.” She smiled, reaching for him in a jerky, uncontrolled movement. “I knew you’d come back for us.”
He grabbed her hand and held it tightly. “I missed you, too.” It surprised him, the truth of that simple statement. He had missed Kayla; he’d missed the man he’d once been—the man he could have been with her at his side.
Her gaze focused on his face, caressing it with equal measures of wonder and confusion. “You’re older, too.”
“Nice of you to notice. Hey, do you remember—”
“Why are we old?”
He smiled uneasily. “You’re not even forty yet. Young.”
“Julian, no one will tell me the truth. But I know you wouldn’t lie to me. Please … I need to understand.”
He wanted to lie to her, wanted it with a fierce desperation, but there was no way out.
“You have a few gaps in your memory, that’s all. The docs say it’s nothing to worry about.”
“Fifteen years is hardly nothing.”
“It’ll all come back. Don’t rush it.” He leaned down and kissed her. She tasted just like he remembered, all sweet compliance and homecoming. When he kissed her, he felt … complete.
“How could I forget fifteen years of loving you and Juliana? Tell me about us, Jules. Help me remember.”
“Ah, baby …” He would have done anything to erase the sorrow in her eyes. “She’s beautiful, Kay. The spitting image of you.”
She gazed up at him, her pale face as serious as he’d ever seen it. “I remember when I left. Do you remember that, Jules?”
“I remember.”
“I remember packing my bags, buying a car—that green station wagon with the wood-grain side panels—and loading it up. I hardly took anything from our life together, not even your money. I was so sure you’d come for us quickly … I can remember waiting and waiting, but I can’t remember ever seeing you again.”
He actually thought he might cry; that’s how fucking awful he felt. “I’m sorry, baby. Jesus, I’m sorry.”
“How long, Jules?”
“H-How long what?”
“How long?”
He touched her soft, soft cheek. He was cornered; there was no way out of this except to lie—and that was pointless. She might remember it all in ten seconds. “Now,” he answered in a tired, broken voice. “Just now.”
She frowned. “Just now what? I’m thirty-nine years old, that means my—our baby is sixteen. You don’t mean …”
“Just now,” he repeated quietly.
Tears filled her eyes, magnified her pain until it seemed to suck the air from the room. “You mean … you never came back for me? In all those years, never?”
He felt the sting of tears in his own eyes. “I was young and stupid. I didn’t know how special it was between us. It took me a long time to grow up.”
“Never.” The single word slipped from her mouth, toneless and dead. “Oh, my God.”
“Kayla, I’m sorry.”
“No wonder I forgot.”
“Don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like … I’ve broken your heart.”
She tried to wipe her eyes, but her effort was a failure; she slapped her own cheek. “I guess you did that a long time ago—and lucky me, I get to experience it twice. Oh, Jules.” She sagged into the pillows. “I love you so much. But it’s not enough, is it?” She turned her head and closed her eyes. “I wish I’d forgotten you.”
“Don’t say that. Please …” He wanted to kiss her tears away, but he had no right. He had hurt her again, as he’d known he would, and he regretted it more deeply than he would have thought possible. Suddenly he saw all the chances he’d lost. For the first time, he wanted the years back, wanted to have become the kind of man who knew how to love.
She rolled awkwardly onto her side. “Go away.”
“Kayla, don’t—”
“Go away, Julian. Please.”
If he’d had Liam’s courage, he would have known what to say, but as it was, he was empty. He turned away from her and headed for the door.
“I want to see my daughter,” she said.
He nodded, saying nothing, not knowing if she even knew he’d answered. Then he left.
She wanted to curl into a small, safe ball and close out the world again.
He never came back.
She couldn’t seem to grasp that. It broke her, pure and simple. For a long, long time, she lay in her lonely bed, trying to wrap her arms around a truth that was too big to hold.
What had she been doing all these years? If things were normal, if she were normal, would she have laughed at him and told him to run along, that her love for him had died a long time ago?
That was the hell of it. She didn’t know who she’d become in the years after their parting. Everything she’d learned or touched or believed in was gone, along with all the memories that, when sewn together, scrap by scrap, made up a life.