"Here are some buzzwords for you," he said. "Hand-to-hand combat specialist. Munitions expert. Sharpshooter. Assassin. Now, you want to tell me what kind of job those qualify me for in your world?"
"If you gave us a chance, we'd make it work, together."
"Don't fool yourself, Grace."
Frustration surged. "I'm not. You're the one who won't see—"
"I'm sorry."
"Damn you! Don't be sorry when you could so easily make things different." Tears blurred her vision. He was like talking to a statue. "Oh, hell, maybe you should just leave."
As she walked over to open the door, he grabbed for her hand. She struggled against his hold with an angry glare but stopped as his eyes went nearly black with emotion.
"Think about all those scars you were so interested in, Countess. How do you think they got on my body? It sure as hell wasn't from sitting behind a desk."
She looked away.
"I have enemies, Grace," he said in a deadly quiet voice. "The kind who don't use lawyers to fight their battles for them. The kind who wouldn't hesitate to kill you just because you're sleeping next to me at night."
Her eyes widened as he let go of her hand and started to pace.
"Even if I leave Black Watch, I can't just wipe the slate clean and start over. These people have long memories and the fact that you're such a public figure is a problem. I don't want my face or where I live to be on the front page of the newspapers. I haven't had a home, ever because I don't want to be easily found. With you, any degree of anonymity would be impossible and that would not only put me in danger, it would put you at risk, too."
She took a deep breath. "Good Lord, John, what did you used to do?"
There was a long silence.
"Covert ops."
"Can you tell me why you got out?"
He hesitated. She had a sense he was sifting through the truth and cleaning it up for her.
"I got wounded. After a couple weeks in the hospital, I decided if I was going to get wasted on a job, I wanted to be running the show, not taking orders. In the military, no matter how high up you go, there's always someone over you unless you're the president. As soon as I was back on my feet, I began taking some subcontracting work. When I had more than I could handle, I snagged Tiny and a couple others who were really good. We've been working together for five years now."
"It must be a hard life." Grace lowered her eyes. "Can you go on like this forever?"
"I know I can get through today and tomorrow. That's all I think about."
"But don't you get lonely? Don't you want someone in your life?"
"No."
"What about your family?" There had to be someone, somewhere who he relied on. A mother. Sister. Brother.
"I don't have any."
"None at all?"
When he didn't answer, she tried to imagine what it would be like to be so alone.
"I find it hard to believe you can live without... anyone."
"I have Black Watch."
But that was business, she thought.
"You've never thought of getting married? Starting your own family? Haven't you ever wanted some kind of relationship with a woman? "
"If I want sex, I have it. And then I leave. Permanent ties are time-consuming, draining, and not something I want to deal with."
Grace felt her heart sink as she wondered how she would feel, watching him walk out of her door and never look back. "Haven't you ever wanted to stay?"
He shook his head. "I can't remember the last time I woke up next to a woman."
"Well, actually, that would have been me. Wouldn't it? "
Reluctantly, he nodded. "Yes, I guess it was."
"When I rolled over and looked into your eyes that morning, I knew you wanted me." She spoke softly and looked up.
"Sure, I wanted you then. I want you right now. But I can't change my whole life for you and that's what it would take for us to be together."
She went over to him and touched his face. "You can't protect my heart, John, and neither of us can predict the future. I'm already falling in love with you. If you don't want to be with me, fine. But don't make decisions for me because you're afraid I'll get hurt."
His voice was low, husky. "I never thought I'd meet someone like you."
He took the palm of her hand, pressed his lips to it, and placed it on his thick chest.
Then he stepped back.
"But whether you know it or not, you're looking for love in return, Grace. And I can't give you something I don't have inside of me."
He was out the door before she could respond.
chapter
17
Going downstairs for breakfast, Grace had to pin a smile onto her face. She would rather have eaten alone, but meals were a command performance at Willings and her absence would have led to another confrontation with her mother. Because she was holding herself together with only loose threads of dignity, she wanted to avoid any further upheaval.