“Seriously, Scarlett. You really need to figure out the answers to those questions. I’ve had to do a lot of growing up over the last year, and I realized that I had to focus on living my life the way I wanted to. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be selfish, but you can’t let others dictate your happiness. Like Aristotle said ‘Happiness depends on ourselves.’”
“You’re always so philosophical,” I whined.
“It what happens when you study it in school,” he retorted jokingly. “Maybe you should listen to some of it though, most people think those guys were pretty smart for a reason.”
“Yeah, yeah. I know. I’ve gotta figure out what in the world I’m gonna do. I need to talk to Mason, Max, Mina, everybody really. There’s not much I can resolve until I do that. I learned that months after Evie died and I ran away. I wished so badly that I had at least said goodbye to all of you. I wished that I had given you a chance to say whatever you wanted to say. And I felt so guilty about giving Mase my virginity and then disappearing on him…” The words came out of my mouth before I even realized it.
“What did you just say?” Ash interrupted. His face was stone cold serious.
“What do you mean?” I squeaked.
“You just said that you slept with Mason and then disappeared on him? So the night that you came to my house, you gave him your virginity? Fuck Scarlett, please tell me you didn’t just say that.”
Not sure how to respond, I just sat there quietly. He ran his fingers through his hair while shaking his head back and forth.
“After you came to my house, you went over there, didn’t you?!?” The anger was evident in his voice. “Tell me the truth Scarlett.”
“Yes.”
“Fuuccckkk!!” He growled. I could see his jaw grinding back and forth so I reached up and gently placed my palm on his cheek. He stopped immediately, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. He turned his face into my hand, kissing my palm. “I’m so sorry Butterfly.”
“I know. Me too.”
We spent another thirty minutes or so at the beach, but didn’t talk any more about that night or my issues with Mason and Max. We changed the conversation to music and new songs that we had learned to play. Talking about playing guitar made me miss it and made me miss playing with Ash. From the first time we had hung out, there was always something about him that made me want to be the best person I could be. It always amazed me how incredibly intelligent he was, not to mention the musical and artistic talents that he had, and he hid it all behind messy, long hair and flip flops.
As we drove back to the house, he asked me when I wanted to go to back to Houston. I decided that I wanted to be back by Tuesday afternoon, so that I could do something on my own to pay my respects to Evie. That gave us one more full day in California and I talked him into taking me to DisneyLand. I figured we could both use a day acting like carefree kids before going back to being adults.
That night I wanted to ask him to sleep in the bed with me, but I was scared to… scared he would say no and scared he would say yes. Instead I stayed up reading the book he had given me. It was much shorter in length than I had originally thought, but much deeper in meaning than I had anticipated. Reading about Jonathan’s journey through life and his ultimate ability to understand the importance of self-love and forgiveness gave me hope that I would be okay when all was said and done with this mess I had created.
The following day, after breakfast with the entire family before they left for school and work, Ash and I made the hour long drive to the park. I had thanked him for the book, letting him know that I had really connected with it and would definitely be reading it again. He explained that his mom had given him the book the previous summer when he was going through a hard time. I had heard snippets here and there about something that had happened, everyone eluding to something that had happened, but I still wasn’t sure so I decided to ask.
“Can you tell me what happened with your parents while I was gone?” I asked hoping he would open up to me. “I’ve heard both you and Crys say something about it, and I didn’t want to assume incorrectly.”
He seemed a bit apprehensive at first, but after a few moments, he opened up. “Basically my dad is a fucking dick. He always has been, but for a long time I just didn’t know any better. He controlled my mom for nearly thirty years, not allowing her to have friends or a life of her own while he ran around on her constantly. The stories I could tell you about him and other women…” He shook his head in disgust. “Anyway, he asked me to pick up one of his girlfriends at the airport and I told him no, so we got in this big argument that my mom walked in on. I just told her everything, I was tired of lying for him; I had been doing it from the time I could remember.”
“I’m so sorry, Ash,” I said as I leaned over and rubbed his arm.
He looked down at my hand touching his skin and smiled. “It’s okay really. Things are much better now. My mom is on her own and doing really well, and I have no contact with my dad. I allowed him to use me as his puppet for long enough and it feels great to finally live for myself. That’s what I want for you, Butterfly. Fly with your own wings.
“Now enough of all of that serious crap, it’s time to have fun. We are almost there. Look!” he said as he pointed at the castle and visible rides up ahead of us.
Doing just as he said, I put everything in the back of my mind, and allowed myself to have an amazing time. We spent all day and night there, only leaving when they were closing the gates a little after ten o’ clock. We were both thoroughly exhausted as we walked out to the car, but had big grins on our face. As I went to reach out for the handle of the car door, I realized that I had to pull my hand from Ash’s. We had been holding hands most of the day, but it was at that moment that I looked down at our entwined fingers that I realized how natural it felt and how I didn’t want to let go. My eyes went from our hands up to his face, and I knew that he knew exactly what I was thinking. Staring into his eyes, the butterflies in my stomach awoke, and I wanted so badly for him to kiss me. Unconsciously, I pulled my bottom lip in between my teeth and began lightly chewing nervously. He reached up with his free hand and pulled it loose from my bite, rubbing his thumb over it tenderly.
“Butterfly, there’s nothing I want more than to kiss you right now, but that’s only gonna complicate things for you more. You need to settle things with the other people in your life first, and then decide if this is truly what you want.” He took a step closer to me and leaned down to press his forehead against mine. “The next time I kiss you, it’s forever. I won’t let you go again.”
My heart swelled with the love I had for him that I had forced to lay dormant for so long. Even though I wanted to feel his lips against mine so badly, I also knew that he was right. I had a lot of issues I still needed to resolve and adding to that wasn’t going to help my situation any. I smiled and wrapped my arms around his neck, hugging him tightly.
“Thank you so much for everything Ash. You have no idea how much this all means to me. Thank you for being exactly what I’ve needed; I couldn’t have done this without you,” I confessed.
Early the following morning, we were on our way to the airport and my stomach was in knots as I thought about the conversations I was going to have to have when we got home. As Crys dropped us off at the terminal, I thanked her over and over again for her hospitality. She hugged me and wished me good luck, adding that she hope to see me again soon. I honestly responded that I hoped so too.
I was unable to sleep on the flight back, my thoughts were racing and I was nauseous from the overwhelming anxiety and dread. I still didn’t know where I was going to live, Ash had told me that I could stay with him as long as I needed, but I knew that I needed to find something permanent pretty quickly. As the wheels touched down on the ground, I prepared myself for what was probably going to be the second toughest day of my life… exactly one year after the other.
MASON
The night that I got back to Austin after finding out that Scarlett had left with Ash, I was a fucking wreck. I probably shouldn’t have been riding in that state of mind, but luckily I made it unscathed. After a quick shower and change of clothes, I called Cruz to let him know that I was back and needing a night out. He told me that Bentley had already alerted all of them and we were going to the hole-in-the-wall bar just down the street so that we could walk to and from.
I still had no fucking idea what to think about Scarlett’s abrupt leaving. I went back and forth between devastation and downright rage. I wasn’t an idiot; I knew that he had always had a hold on her. I knew that given the chance, he could stir up the feelings that she once had for him, which was why I had so desperately wanted her in Austin with me, away from him. I wondered how long she had been seeing him, was it as soon as I was gone? God the thought of his hands on her made me want to hurl. I couldn’t fucking believe the day that I had gone to tell her that I couldn’t spend another day without her next to me was the day she decided to leave. What was supposed to be one of the happiest days, a day to celebrate Jobu’s Rum going on tour, ended up being one of the worst fucking days of my life.
My phone ringing pulled me from my thoughts and I answered without even looking at who it was.
“Hello.”
“Hey there rock star,” Bentley purred seductively. I rolled my eyes at her lame attempt to entice me. Been there, done that, wasn’t interested in revisiting.
“Hey B, what’s up.”
“You want to stop by my apartment before we head out. I’ve got something that will make you feel better.”
“B, we’ve discussed this. I’m not going there again, whatever we had is over. You are my manager, that’s it. And why do you think I need something to make me feel better?”
“Hmm… well let’s see. You left to go see your precious Angel, but turned around and came back the same day wanting to go out to get shit-faced. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out you’re upset about something. Plus asshole, I wasn’t offering me; I was talking about some party favors I got my hands on. But if you want to be a dick, that’s fine, more for me. I’ll see you downstairs in about an hour,” she said before hanging up.
Frustrated, I went to throw my phone down on the bed and accidentally hit the nightstand instead, knocking over a picture of me and Scarlett. The glass shattered on top of our faces as the frame hit the hardwood floor. Fuck me. I went to clean up the mess and got lost staring at the photo. Seeing her face intensified all of the feelings that I had been fighting all day. Sorrow. Anger. Confusion. Disappointment. Hurt. Devastation. Fury. Pain. Lots of pain.
I finished picking it up off of the floor and threw it all in the trash, picture included, but not before cutting my finger on a sharp edge of glass. Of fucking course. Not even bothering cleaning up the drops of blood, I grabbed my phone and wallet and headed out the door to Bentley’s apartment. Maybe I did need something to make me feel better.