Fifteen minutes later, I was woken up by the banging on the door and heard Mina’s voice from the other side. “Scarlett? Are you in there?”
I jumped up and ran to let her in. “Sorry, hun, I passed out on the couch,” I explained as I ushered her inside.
“You look like shit. You’re not going anywhere looking like that,” she said as she hugged me and walked into the apartment.
“I don’t care what I look like. I’m just going for the company.”
“Well I care what you look like so my company will suck if you look like that. Your eyes are so swollen you look like you’ve been sitting around hitting the bong, now come on. At least put a little Visine in and some lip gloss wouldn’t hurt either.”
“Can’t you show me a little sympathy? My boyfriend moved out of town today,” I whined and made a pouty face.
“Nope. You gotta learn to live on your own and I’m not gonna let you sit around and feel sorry for yourself. You knew what you were getting into with him, you knew he was leaving. You decided he was worth trying a long distance relationship with, so now put on your big girl panties and deal with it,” she scolded me. “And get your ass ready, Max is meeting us at Gigi’s at the Galleria in thirty minutes.”
I knew that everything she said was the truth, but knowing and feeling were two very separate things. However, finding that I would get to see Max made me feel a little better, so I threw on a little makeup and threw my hair into a messy French twist to appease Mina and we left for the mall.
Lunch with my two closest friends helped pull me out of my funk, and the delicious Asian-inspired plates that we all shared didn’t hurt either. Max left after we finished the meal, claiming that even though hours of shopping with us sounded tempting he really need to do some research for his thesis.
Pulling me in for a hug before he headed to the parking garage, he whispered, “Whatever you need, whenever you need it, please call me. I know you feel alone right now, but you’re not. I’m always here, okay?”
I nodded and said, “Okay, I know,” trying my best not to start crying again. I knew he was just trying to be supportive, and I was so thankful that I had people like him and Mina to help me through the rough patches. He kissed both Mina and me on the cheek before heading out the glass double doors, and the two of us girls headed for the clothing shops.
The first night sleeping in the bed alone was tough. Mason and I had Skyped while I lay there until I could no longer keep my eyes open. He had given me a video tour of his apartment and then sang to me about how much he missed me. We promised to talk the next morning and I disconnected the call only to find myself suddenly wide awake. Hours passed and I just stared at the ceiling, my mind covering every topic from family to school to religion to Mason. Finally around three or four in the morning, my body gave up and I passed out from exhaustion.
Mason came home the following Sunday as promised and we nearly mauled each other before he could even get through the door. I never realized that you could have a physical dependence on another person, but my body literally ached for his touch, my lips longed for his kiss. We did not leave the bed the entire twenty four hours he was there except to shower ~ we ate there, we talked there, we watched TV there, and we thoroughly enjoyed each other’s bodies there. I didn’t go to my Monday classes even though finals were fast approaching, but I didn’t care. There was no way I was missing any time that I could spend with him.
When he left the second time, it was hard, but not nearly as bad as the first. I knew that he loved me and that he would be back soon; I just had to keep reminding myself of that when I started to feel lonely. I really had to buckle down with my studies with less than a month left in the semester. Between school, work, and spending time with Mina and Max, I kept myself busy. It was at night when I was alone in the bed that I was reminded of his absence.
Jobu’s Rum had hit the Austin music scene running. Bentley had apparently set them up to play in some of the bigger bars and they were received well and requested often. They started booking more and more shows which was great for Mason and the guys, but meant that he wasn’t able to talk at night nor was he able to come home to visit. Our phone conversations had been moved to my lunch time, which was normally around the time that he was waking up from being out late the night before. We never went a day without speaking but I couldn’t help but feel like we were growing apart. We even missed one another over the Thanksgiving break. I had gone home to visit my family which was less than hour from Mason’s apartment, but Jobu’s Rum was playing the entire weekend in Dallas.
I was anxiously awaiting the first weekend of December, which was Noah and Mina’s bachelor/ bachelorette parties, but more importantly marked the end of finals week. All of the guys were supposed to be coming home for the party, and they had given Bentley strict instructions not to schedule anything for them that entire weekend.
That Friday I had my two final exams. I had been a complete ball of stress due to the countless hours of reading, minimal sleep, and having not seen Mason in nearly four weeks. I hated that we would be split up between guys and girls for most of the night, but the important thing to me was that he would be sleeping in bed with me that night.
When I had finally turned in my last paper, I stepped outside and grabbed my phone to check the time. At the sight of a missed call and voicemail from Mason, my stomach dropped and I immediately knew something wasn’t right. I listened to his message which only confirmed my suspicions.
“Hey Angel, I know that you’re probably in your finals but I just wanted to let you know that I’m not going to be able to make it tonight. I am soooo sorry, but we have an opportunity to play for the tour manager and record label for VanderBlue and we can’t pass this up. If they like us, it could be life changing. I am so sorry. I will be home in the morning and will stay until Monday morning. I love you. Call me when you get this.”
A combination of defeat, anger, disappointment, and loneliness washed over me. I hurried to my car as the tears began splashing down my cheeks. I just wanted to go home and curl up in bed. As I approached my car, I noticed a small package slipped under one of my windshield wipers. Momentarily forgetting about my devastation, I grabbed the small square wrapped in brown packing paper and bound with a rubber band. “Scarlett” was written across the front in a familiar handwriting. Not waiting to shuffle through all of the possibilities in my head, I removed the wrapping to find a book ~ Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach. Interesting. I opened the inside cover to find the neatly handwritten words “Fly with your own wings, Psyche. You are stronger than you think. There will be many trials and tribulations to pass before being rewarded with your ambrosia.”
I slid down the side of my car and sat on the concrete and read those three sentences over and over. What did he know? How did he know? Why did reading his words after not speaking to or seeing him for months stir feelings inside of me that I thought had been buried forever? Why did I feel like everything was falling apart?
Reluctantly, I pulled myself off the ground, got into my car, and tossed the book onto the passenger seat. I couldn’t even let my mind go there in that moment. The first thing I had to deal with was my non-relationship with Mason. I understood that the music was important and that he felt accountable to his friends, but I was tired of playing second best. I needed him to do something to show me that he wanted this to work. Words could only go so far.
When I got home, I hit Mason’s name on my call list and braced myself for what I knew was going to be a tough conversation.
“Angel,” he answered.
“Hey, I got your message.” I said flatly.
“I’m so sorry about this, Scarlett. You know I wouldn’t do it unless it was REALLY important.”
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I waited any longer, I unloaded on him. “When do I become REALLY important, Mason? I haven’t seen you in over a month. You told me you would come home every week and I have seen you once.”
“Angel, you know that I have to do these shows. Right now it’s about getting us out there as much as possible. I miss you like crazy, there’s nothing I want more than to come home to you, but when I agreed to commit to this with these guys, I didn’t know...”
“Yeah, I get that. I know I wasn’t around, and I really do understand, but it doesn’t change the fact that I always come after them and the music, and I’m tired of never being first. I don’t want to sound like a selfish brat, but it’s like you’re not even trying. You do whatever your whore of a manger tells you to do, like her little puppet. If you turned down one show would it be THAT big of a deal in the grand scheme of things? No, it wouldn’t, but you’re too afraid of standing up to her for some reason, and I’m the one that gets to sit here alone. You moved me into this apartment claiming it would be easier for us to be together the nights you stayed in Houston, but the problem is you’re NEVER in Houston. Instead I get to look around this place and be reminded of you all the time and the fact that you’re not here! “
“Angel…” he tried to cut in.
“Stop, let me finish. This isn’t what I signed up for, Mason. I love you and I miss you and I want to be with you, but this isn’t being with someone. One five minute phone call a day isn’t a relationship. I feel like you’re ready to move on with your life, and I don’t blame you for that. I know you love your music and I really hope that you become a huge success. But I can’t help but feel like I don’t fit into that future. You’re there and going places; I’m here and going to school.”
“Hang on one sec, someone’s knocking on the door,” he said. I rolled my eyes and sighed.
I heard him answer the door and then several male voices in the background. Mason then said to his friends, “I’ll be right there… yeah, I know… I’ll meet you in the car in five.”
“Okay, sorry, that was Cruz. He’s ready to go.”
“Yeah, I heard and please stop saying you’re sorry for everything. God, it makes me feel awful that you’re always having to apologize to me,” I said frustrated at the entire conversation. “Look, go do what you’ve gotta do. You’ve got people that need you. I just want you to really think about what you want and where you see this going. I can’t do this by myself and that’s what I feel I’m doing right now. So let me know what you want, but something’s gotta change, Mase.”
I hung up the phone without saying anything else and before he could reply. Ten seconds later it vibrated in my hand with a text.
Mason (3:22PM): You forgot to say I love you.
Me (3:23PM): You know I love you, but sometimes that’s not enough.
Mason (3:35PM): Don’t be stubborn. I love you.
I decided to take a nap before going to Mina’s party. I felt terrible, I didn’t know what to think about anything anymore, and I just wanted to sleep and make it all go away for a little while. I didn’t think I was being unreasonable to want to see him more than once a month, to talk to him for one short phone call each day, but I also knew that I was playing with fire by basically giving him an ultimatum ~ change or else. I laid my head down on the pillow and passed out within seconds.