Mum and Dad stood there not looking at each other.
‘I have nothing to say to your father right now,’ Mum said.
‘Sit down,’ said Treena. ‘The both of you.’ They shuffled towards the sofa, casting mute glances of resentment at each other. She turned to me. ‘Right. Let’s make tea. And then we’re going to sort this out as a family.’
‘Great idea!’ I said, sensing my chance. ‘There’s milk in the fridge. Tea’s on the side. Help yourselves. I’ve got to pop out for half an hour.’ And before anyone could stop me I had whipped on a pair of jeans and a top and was running out of the flat with my car keys.
I saw him even as I turned the car into the ambulance-station car park. He was striding towards the ambulance, his pack slung over his shoulder, and something inside me lurched. I knew the delicious solidity of that body, the soft angles of that face. He turned and his step faltered, as if I had been the last thing he had expected to see. Then he turned back to the ambulance, hauling open the rear doors.
I walked towards him across the tarmac. ‘Can we talk?’
He lifted an oxygen tank like it was a tin of hairspray, securing it in its holder. ‘Sure. But it’ll have to be some other time. I’m on my way out.’
‘It won’t wait.’
His expression didn’t flicker. He stooped to pick up a pack of gauze.
‘Look. I just wanted to explain … what we were talking about. I do like you. I really like you. I just – I’m just scared.’
‘We’re all scared, Lou.’
‘You’re not scared of anything.’
‘Yeah. I am. Just not stuff you’d notice.’
He stared at his boots. And then he saw Donna running towards him. ‘Ah, hell. I’ve got to go.’
I jumped into the rear of the ambulance. ‘I’ll come with you. I’ll get a taxi home from wherever you’re headed.’
‘No.’
‘Ah, come on. Please.’
‘So I can get in even more trouble with Disciplinary?’
‘Red Two, reports of a stabbing, young male.’ Donna threw her pack into the back of the ambulance.
‘We have to go, Louisa.’
I was losing him. I could feel it, in the tone of his voice, the way he wouldn’t look at me directly. I climbed out of the back, cursing my lateness. But Donna took me by the elbow and steered me towards the front. ‘For God’s sake,’ she said, as Sam made to protest. ‘You’ve been like a bear with a sore head all week. Just sort this thing out. We’ll drop her before we get there.’
Sam walked briskly around to the passenger door and opened it, casting a glance at the controller’s office. ‘She’d make a great relationship counsellor.’ His voice hardened. ‘If we were, you know, in a relationship.’
I didn’t need telling twice. Sam climbed into the driving seat and looked at me as if he were going to say something, then changed his mind. Donna began sorting out equipment. He started the ignition and put the blue light on.
‘Where are we headed?’
‘We are headed to the estate. About seven minutes away with blues and twos. You are headed to the high street, two minutes from Kingsbury.’
‘So I’ve got five minutes?’
‘And a long walk back.’
‘Okay,’ I said. And realized, as we sped forward, that I really had no idea what to say next.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
‘So, here’s the thing,’ I said. Sam indicated and swung out onto the road. I had to shout as the siren was so loud.
His attention was on the road ahead. He glanced at the computer readout on the dashboard. ‘What have we got, Don?’
‘Possible stabbing. Two reports. Young male collapsed in stairwell.’
‘Is this really a good time to talk?’ I said.
‘Depends what you want to say.’
‘It’s not that I don’t want a relationship,’ I said. ‘I just still feel a bit mixed up.’
‘Everyone’s mixed up,’ said Donna. ‘Every bloke I go out with starts our date with how he’s got trust issues.’ She looked at Sam. ‘Oh. Sorry. Don’t mind me.’
Sam kept his eyes straight ahead. ‘One minute you’re calling me a dick because you’ve decided I’m sleeping with other women. Next you’re keeping me at arm’s length because you’re still attached to someone else. It’s too –’
‘Will is gone. I know that. But I just can’t leap in like you can, Sam. I feel like I’m only just getting back on my feet after a long time of … I don’t know … I was a mess.’
‘I know you were a mess. I picked up that mess.’
‘If anything, I like you too much. I like you so much that if it went wrong it would feel like that again. And I’m not sure I’m strong enough.’
‘How is that going to happen?’
‘You might go off me. You might change your mind. You’re a good-looking bloke. Some other woman might fall off a building and land on you and you might like it. You could get ill. You could get knocked off that motorbike.’
‘ETA two minutes,’ said Donna, gazing at the satnav. ‘I’m not listening, honest.’
‘You could say that about anyone. So what? So we sit there and do nothing every day in case we have an accident? Is that really how to live?’ He swerved to the left so that I had to hang on to my seat.
‘I’m still a doughnut, okay?’ I said. ‘I want to be a bun. I really do. But I’m still a doughnut.’
‘Jesus, Lou! We’re all doughnuts! You think I didn’t watch my sister being eaten by cancer and know that my heart was going to break, not just for her but for her son, every day of my life? You think I don’t know how that feels? There’s only one response, and I can tell you this because I see it every day. You live. And you throw yourself into everything and try not to think about the bruises.’
‘Oh, that’s lovely,’ said Donna, nodding.
‘I’m trying, Sam. You have no idea how far I’ve come.’
And then we were there. The sign for Kingsbury estate loomed in front of us. We drove in through a huge archway, past a car park and into a darkened courtyard, where Sam pulled up and swore softly. ‘Dammit. We were meant to drop you off.’