Happy Larry's is exactly the kind of windowless pit of doom you'd expect from a dive called Happy Larry's, but there are days when a girl needs to match her bar with her mood, and that day, Happy Larry's was a match.
Happy Larry, scruffy and growly in his mangy, sleeveless MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO KICK YOUR ASS T-shirt, did not appear to be very happy with my appearance in his establishment. You could never tell with Larry; between the untamed beard and Coke-bottle glasses, he was a hard man to read on facial expression alone.
"What the hell are you doing here?" he growled, confirming my original suspicion.
I took a stool and leaned over the bar. "I'm here for the same reason that everyone else is here. Too miserable to be anywhere respectable, not quite ready to jump off a bridge."
Larry stared at me.
"Fine. Be that way." I reached into my front jeans pocket and slammed a twenty down on the bar. "Serve me whatever is going to get me drunk the fastest. What do I want? Vodka? Tequila? You got anything in an IV drip?"
Happy Larry's expression remained unchanged. "Go home."
I drummed my fingers on the bar for a moment while I deliberated, then made the call. "Make it tequila."
Happy Larry grunted something, but he took the twenty, then set a salt shaker, a shot glass, and a slice of lime in front of me. He pulled a bottle of tequila out, and filled the shot glass. I stared at it for a moment, then glanced up at him.
"How many calories are in this?"
Happy Larry stared at me blankly.
"I'm going on a diet," I said glumly. "Starting today. When I get on that plane, I'm going to be svelte."
Nothing from Larry. Jesus, it was tough to crack this guy.
"Okay. Maybe not svelte. But I wanna wear my skinny jeans. I figure fifteen hundred calories a day ought to do it, and you know what that is, Larry? That's two pieces of lettuce and a whiff of a chocolate-chip cookie. So, what I'm asking you, Larry, is ... how many calories?"
Happy Larry continued to stare at me.
"So you don't ... know? Then? The calories?"
Slowly, he shook his head.
"You know what? That's okay. No, really. Don't apologize." I bet Stacy never asks about the calorie content. "It's early in the day, I'll look it up and adjust for it later. Or, you know. Maybe start tomorrow. You gotta work your way up to these things."
Then I salted my hand, licked it, downed the shot, and sucked the lime.
"What?" I said as I nudged the empty shot glass back at an obviously surprised Happy Larry. "I went to college. I know how to drink tequila. Give me another one."
He shook his head as he poured. "You puke on my floor, you're cleaning it up."
"God, Happy. One time, I puked on your floor. I was sixteen. Let it go, man." I salted my hand, did the shot, then shook my head. I may not have gotten rid of the tingling in my hands, but now the rest of my body at least matched. The sharp edges of agitation that had been poking at me seemed to soften a bit, and I felt my spirits lift.
"You know what?" I said. "Tequila's good. Gimme another."
"You bet." He stuffed the twenty in the till, gave me two fives and three ones in return. "In twenty minutes."
"Grudge holder." I swiped my money off the counter and shoved it back in my pocket, then swiveled around on my seat to take in the place. The only other customers were Frankie Biggs and Doug Holt, playing a game of pool in the back, and some guy sitting in a booth in the dark corner opposite, scraggly hair hanging down as he leaned over his glass. I let my gaze wander back to the pool table, and Frankie Biggs. Another man who couldn't keep his hands off of Stacy Easter.
They were everywhere.
"I'm gonna go play pool," I announced.
Happy Larry motioned toward the pool tables. "I care deeply."
I got off the bar stool with a little trouble - Wow, I'm a cheap date - and when I looked up, my eyes locked with the guy in the corner. Or, at least I think my eyes locked with his; I couldn't see him very well, the combined effects of the dim lighting and the eighty-proof tequila in my bloodstream. In a knee-jerk response of vigilance after a thousand cautionary tales from my mother based on True Stories from Reader's Digest, I took in little details about him for the police report I'd probably never have to file - tallish, dirty-blond hair, midthirties, beat-up work boots, jeans, dark T-shirt, a few days' of beard growth on his face - and then I looked away and made my way over to the pool table, where Doug was chalking his cue.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Doug said.
"You know what I love about this place?" I said. "The way everyone makes a girl feel so welcome."
Doug's eyes went from me to Frankie and then back again. "Did Amber send you here to check in on Frankie?" He looked at Frankie. "I'm telling you, man, you need a restraining order."
I shook my head. "Amber didn't send me." I turned to Frankie. "But I've seen her recently in CCB's, and I think the restraining order could be sound advice. She's really pissed off."
Doug gave Frankie a told-you-so look, and Frankie shook it off. I stood there, one hip jutted in what I thought might be a sexy manner, maybe, and wondered what Stacy would do in this situation, what it was about her that made her so instantly irresistible to every man walking the planet. The truth was, even though I'd been with her in a ton of bars and watched the men come streaming over, I never noticed anything in particular that she did. It was just something she was.
"You want something?" Frankie asked finally.
I thought about all the sassy, sexy, alluring responses I could give to that question, but as I looked at Frankie, all I could see was the ferret attached under his nose, and I just couldn't do it. Try as I might, I was no Stacy Easter, and I had to accept that.
"No." I sighed and unjutted my hip. "I just came over here to see if you would try to sleep with me."
Both guys looked up immediately from the game. Seriously, it was like dogs with a whistle.
"We'd have a shot?" Frankie asked.
"No," I said quickly. "Nothing personal. I just kind of wanted to see if you'd try. You know. Medicate my wounded pride. It was either you or that guy in the corner - " I motioned to the corner booth and paused. "Oh, he's gone."
"For what it's worth," Frankie said, chalking his cue, "if I thought I had half a chance, I'd try." He took his shot, missed, and Doug started casing the table.
"Really? You're not just saying that?"
Frankie examined me for a moment, then shrugged. "Sure, I'd give it a shot."
I have to say, that was much less comforting than you'd think. But still. It was nice of him.
"Thank you, Frankie." I stared at his Magnum, P.I. moustache for a moment. "You ever think of shaving that thing?"
Frankie ran his hand over his mouth. "Are you kidding? You wouldn't believe what this does to girls in the sack."
"Gross," I said. There was a moment of awkward silence, and I added, "Well. I'm just gonna go back over there, then."
Frankie smiled and nodded at me, and Doug grunted something and took his shot.
I stepped away from the pool table slowly, cheeks flush with embarrassment, and started back toward the bar. Before I got there, I could hear Doug saying something about, "crazy fucking chicks," and I poured myself onto a stool and rested my face against the bar.
"Let me ask you something, Happy," I said. "If I find out a guy I know has slept with one of my best friends, and it bothers me enough that I go confront him and then come here to get drunk, that means I should move up my trip to Europe, right?"
"I'm not pouring anything for another fifteen minutes," Happy said.