She nodded. “I tried.”
“Many women would envy you a nanny and whatever other servants you had, but I have to agree with you. I can’t imagine letting someone else raise my kids.”
His words were like honey to her soul. When was the last time anyone had approved of her decisions? Had there ever been a time? Father didn’t think her capable of making a decision on her own. Never had. She knew Rolland would have disapproved of her choice in regard to the nanny, which was why she never told him. The nanny went along with her decision, but almost every day she made it clear she didn’t approve. But since it meant less work for her, she protested quietly.
“You’re the only one who has ever agreed with my choice about anything. Except for one maid who spoke to me just before I married Rolland. She said to remember who I was and what I was capable of. It was she who gave me my Bible. I wish I knew where she went. I’d thank her for it. It’s been my comfort and strength for all these years.”
They had both forgotten about the work before them and moved to a window though neither of them looked through it. He leaned on one side of the frame and she leaned on the other as they faced each other.
He studied her. “Do you find it a little odd that your challenges and disappointments have drawn you closer to God and mine have pushed me away?”
She touched his arm, knowing it was pain that drove the wedge between him and his faith. “I did not face anything like you did.”
He nodded, and seemed to cling to her gaze as if seeking more from her.
She wished she’d had time to think about her answer, but instead she let it come from her heart. “Blue, perhaps you are just a lost sheep and our good shepherd is seeking you to bring you back to the fold.”
He drew in a slow breath. “Yesterday when Bertie spoke of that story, I couldn’t help wonder something along those lines. ‘He restoreth my soul.’ Maybe it’s time for that.”
She rubbed his arm. “God never leaves us even when it feels like He’s turned His face away.”
He nodded. “I know.” He patted her hand. “I just want to say how much I admire you for insisting on taking care of your girls when you could have done otherwise and no one would think it unusual.”
“Didn’t your wife take care of your children?”
“Most of the time. I liked to help her. I especially liked to put them to bed at night. Beau wouldn’t settle if I didn’t rub his back. He insisted no one else knew how to do it right.”
Clara grinned. “He sounds a little like Libby.”
He turned toward the girls playing happily with their doll. Not once had they argued about sharing it. Clara was proud of them.
She watched Blue, picturing him helping with his babies, rubbing a little boy’s back. Her throat tightened. “I’d say your wife and children were fortunate to have you as a husband and father.”
He turned back to her, and their gazes caught and held. The moment filled with a sweet, fearful acknowledgment of the tender feelings between them.
Her attention drifted to his mouth. If not for the girls’ presence, she would be sorely tempted to ease over and hope he’d kiss her.
She forced herself to look elsewhere, anywhere but at his tempting lips and his alluring eyes.
She dare not let herself forget Fort Calgary and get comfortable in Edendale.
A shudder crossed her shoulder and clamped about her spine.
Now was not the time to let weak emotions control her.
* * *
Blue couldn’t help but notice her sudden withdrawal, the way she avoided meeting his eyes even when he tipped his head in an attempt to recapture her attention.
Perhaps she’d said more than she meant to—telling him he was a good husband and father. But he cherished the words. They reached into his heart and mended the broken places.
“You know, I’ve never spoken of my children to anyone but you since they perished. People around here don’t even know about them.”
She jerked her attention back to him. “I’m sorry.”
She’d misunderstood, thought he accused her. It was quite the opposite. “I’m not. It’s good to think of the wonderful times I had with them. You once said I had to take the past with me into the future. At the time I wondered how on earth that was even possible, but I think I’m beginning to understand.” The words came slowly as his thoughts took shape. “Memories of Alice and the children have become a part of my heart. Maybe they’ve even caused it to grow stronger.”