Clara waited for them to dart by her before she stepped inside. She heaved a huge sigh of relief. “I hope Libby will settle down once she gets busy on her chores around here.”
He chuckled. “She’s full of vinegar today.”
“You could say that.”
They looked at one another. Their expressions grew serious.
“Blue, I want—”
He spoke at the same time. “I need to apologize. I didn’t mean—”
She stopped. “You go first.”
“Okay.” He was afraid if he didn’t get the words out right away, he wouldn’t be able to. “I didn’t mean to offend you last night by talking about your fears.”
“Wait a minute. You think I was offended?”
He nodded.
She spoke. “I was afraid I had offended you and meant to apologize.”
He thought back to what she’d said. Fear should drive us to action. Not drive us into retreat. “You think I retreat?”
“Don’t you?”
“I wouldn’t call it that so much as...well, maybe...” He could think of no other way to describe it.
“Wandering in the desert?” she supplied.
He shrugged. “Something like that.”
“Isn’t it time to get out of the desert?”
Why was she so insistent? It wasn’t as though she had any understanding of what he needed. Or wanted. But then, it seemed he didn’t, either. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know if it’s time? Or you don’t know how to do it?”
He didn’t much care for the way this conversation was going. It made him feel exposed. But wait. He wasn’t the one running away. “What about your running?” he shot back. “Who are you afraid of?”
Her eyes darkened and filled with fear and caution as if she’d seen the person she feared. “I—” She shook her head. “It’s safer if you don’t know. If you forget you ever met us.”
“Safer for who? And how do you expect me to do that? I’ve been trying to forget for two years. Forgetting is not easy.”
“Then what are you going to do?”
He scrubbed at the back of his neck. “I don’t know.” All he knew was that forgetting her would not be any easier than forgetting Alice and his children. “What do you suggest I do?”
The look in her eyes begged for something, though he couldn’t say what. Her look went on and on. Probing, searching, uncovering, revealing, and he was powerless to stop it. It seemed as if the light of the sun and moon and a sky full of stars burst through the barriers of his heart. He knew he should be concerned, but he wasn’t. Knew he should close his heart, but he couldn’t.
He’d deal with the aftermath of her searching look later.
“I don’t know.” Her words were an honest cry.
“Nor do I. It seems we’re both locked in a past we don’t like and facing a future we can’t control.”
Light flared through her eyes as if she’d been stricken by a revelation. “Of course we can’t. Why do we think we can? I choose to trust God. You should, too. It’s so much easier than kicking and fighting against circumstances.”
“What makes you think I want it easier?”
Her smile was sweet, almost overriding his lingering resistance. “I think you want what we all want. Assurance we will find the strength to face the trials and challenges of the future. A reason to go on. Trust in God gives us that.”
“I wish it was that easy.” He envied her the serenity and peace that filled her eyes.
“Maybe part of the problem is it’s so easy. We long to earn that which God offers freely—His love and care. But it’s already paid for in full.”
He nodded. “I know all that.”
“But you still don’t believe?”
“I can’t remember how.” How did he believe without putting aside the memory of Alice and his children? And to do so would be to waste their lives.
She took his hand and placed her palm to his; with the fingers of her other hand, she stroked the back of his hand. It was a hypnotic caress that eased his worries and freed his thoughts.
“I will pray you find the way back to your faith.”