Maybe Rhysand needed to flirt with me, taunt me, as much for a distraction and sense of normalcy as I did.
And maybe I’d said what I had to him because … because I’d realized that I might very well be the person who wouldn’t let anyone in. And tonight, when he’d recoiled after he’d seen how he affected me … It had crumpled something in my chest.
I had been jealous—of Cresseida. I had been so profoundly unhappy on that barge because I’d wanted to be the one he smiled at like that.
And I knew it was wrong, but … I did not think Rhys would call me a whore if I wanted it—wanted … him. No matter how soon it was after Tamlin.
Neither would his friends. Not when they had been called the same and worse.
And learned to live—and love—beyond it. Despite it.
So maybe it was time to tell Rhys that. To explain that I didn’t want to pretend. I didn’t want to write it off as a joke, or a plan, or a distraction.
And it’d be hard, and I was scared and might be difficult to deal with, but … I was willing to try—with him. To try to … be something. Together. Whether it was purely sex, or more, or something between or beyond them, I didn’t know. We’d find out.
I was healed—or healing—enough to want to try.
If he was willing to try, too.
If he didn’t walk away when I voiced what I wanted: him.
Not the High Lord, not the most powerful male in Prythian’s history.
Just … him. The person who had sent music into that cell; who had picked up that knife in Amarantha’s throne room to fight for me when no one else dared, and who had kept fighting for me every day since, refusing to let me crumble and disappear into nothing.
So I waited for him in the chilled, moonlit garden.
But he didn’t come.
Rhys wasn’t at breakfast. Or lunch. He wasn’t in the town house at all.
I’d even written him a note on the last piece of paper we’d used.
I want to talk to you.
I’d waited thirty minutes for the paper to vanish.
But it’d stayed in my palm—until I threw it in the fire.
I was pissed enough that I stalked into the streets, barely remarking that the day was balmy, sunny, that the very air now seemed laced with citrus and wildflowers and new grass. Now that we had the orb, he’d no doubt be in touch with the queens. Who would no doubt waste our time, just to remind us they were important; that they, too, had power.
Part of me wished Rhys could crush their bones the way he’d done with Keir’s the night before.
I headed for Amren’s apartment across the river, needing the walk to clear my head.
Winter had indeed yielded to spring. By the time I was halfway there, my overcoat was slung over my arm, and my body was slick with sweat beneath my heavy cream sweater.
I found Amren the same way I’d seen her the last time: hunched over the Book, papers strewn around her. I set the blood on the counter.
She said without looking up, “Ah. The reason why Rhys bit my head off this morning.”
I leaned against the counter, frowning. “Where’s he gone off to?”
“To hunt whoever attacked you yesterday.”
If they had ash arrows in their arsenal … I tried to soothe the worry that bit deep. “Do you think it was the Summer Court?” The blood ruby still sat on the floor, still used as a paperweight against the river breeze blowing in from the open windows. Varian’s necklace was now beside her bed. As if she fell asleep looking at it.
“Maybe,” Amren said, dragging a finger along a line of text. She must be truly absorbed to not even bother with the blood. I debated leaving her to it. But she went on, “Regardless, it seems that our enemies have a track on Rhys’s magic. Which means they’re able to find him when he winnows anywhere or if he uses his powers.” She at last looked up. “You lot are leaving Velaris in two days. Rhys wants you stationed at one of the Illyrian war-camps—where you’ll fly down to the human lands once the queens send word.”
“Why not today?”
Amren said, “Because Starfall is tomorrow night—the first we’ve had together in fifty years. Rhys is expected to be here, amongst his people.”
“What’s Starfall?”
Amren’s eyes twinkled. “Outside of these borders, the rest of the world celebrates tomorrow as Nynsar—the Day of Seeds and Flowers.” I almost flinched at that. I hadn’t realized just how much time had passed since I’d come here. “But Starfall,” Amren said, “only at the Night Court can you witness it—only within this territory is Starfall celebrated in lieu of the Nynsar revelry. The rest, and the why of it, you’ll find out. It’s better left as a surprise.”
Well, that explained why people had seemed to already be preparing for a celebration of sorts: High Fae and faeries hustling home with arms full of vibrant wildflower bouquets and streamers and food. The streets were being swept and washed, storefronts patched up with quick, skilled hands.
I asked, “Will we come back here once we leave?”
She returned to the Book. “Not for a while.”
Something in my chest started sinking. To an immortal, a while must be … a long, long time.
I took that as an invitation to leave, and headed for the door in the back of the loft. But Amren said, “When Rhys came back, after Amarantha, he was a ghost. He pretended he wasn’t, but he was. You made him come alive again.”
Words stalled, and I didn’t want to think about it, not when whatever good I’d done—whatever good we’d done for each other—might have been wiped away by what I’d said to him.