I don't say anything.
"But maybe that's how you like them," the assistant says.
When Amanda sees me approaching she turns away as if I'm not there. She looks around the party, she blinks, she doesn't say anything, but when I intimately push myself into her group it becomes awkward for her to ignore me and then I say "Hey" and her smile is there and then it isn't. She seems upset that I'm standing next to her, that I've even approached her, and I realize that after being so flirtatious in the lounge at JFK she now doesn't want to speak to me but I just stand there, hoping she'll say something back and behind Amanda a girl is dancing by herself to an old Altered Images song, the tattoo of a phone number inked along her arm.
"Yeah?" Amanda says. "Hi." Then she turns back to the two guys.
"We met in New York," I say. "At JFK. I think you texted me a couple of times since you've been in L.A. but we haven't spoken in like four weeks. How are you?"
"I'm fine," she says, and then there's an awkward silence and the two guys introduce themselves and names are exchanged and one of them recognizes me and says "Oh, cool" and then turns his attention on me but I'm focusing on Amanda.
"Yeah, it's been around a month," I say, staring at her. "You doing okay?"
"I'm fine, I said," and then, "But I think maybe you've made a mistake."
"Aren't you up for a role in The Listeners?"
A photographer snaps a shot of us standing together and it's either this or the question I asked that becomes Amanda's cue to leave. "I have to go now."
I start trailing after her. "Hey, wait a minute."
"I can't talk right now," she says.
"Hey, I said wait a minute - "
Chapter 9
She's backed against a wall that leads to the exit. The conversation is on the verge of becoming an argument. "You're being rude," she says.
"I haven't done anything," I say. "Why am I making you so uncomfortable?"
For one flashing second her eyes go wild and then she relents.
"Please don't talk to me, okay?" She tries to smile. "I don't even know you," she says. "I don't even know who you are."
It's raining lightly when I leave the party and I forget where the BMW is and then I finally find it parked against a curb a few blocks away on Washington Boulevard and as I'm about to pull out a blue Jeep rushes by and slows to a stop at the light behind me on the corner. I make a U-turn and pull up behind the Jeep and my hair is wet and my hands are shaking and I can't see who's inside the car and it starts to rain harder as I follow the Jeep up Robertson toward West Hollywood and through the windshield wipers the streets seem emptier because of the rain and on the CD Meghan Reynolds burned for me last summer Bat for Lashes is singing "What's a Girl to Do?" and lightning illuminates a turquoise mural on a freeway underpass and then the Jeep makes a right on Beverly and I keep checking the rearview mirror to see if someone's following me but I can't tell and then I force myself to stop weeping and turn off the stereo concentrating only on the blue Jeep as it makes a left onto Fairfax, and then I'm sobering up completely as the Jeep turns right onto Fountain and then a sharp right onto Orange Grove and a left about half a block up from Santa Monica Boulevard into the driveway adjacent to Rain's apartment. And then Amanda Flew gets out of the blue Jeep.
I cruise by the apartment and turn in to a driveway down the street and park illegally, letting the engine run, and I don't know what to do - every logical thought has become eclipsed - but I manage to get out of the BMW and move across the front lawn toward the building and it keeps raining but I don't care, and Rain's apartment is on the ground floor of the two-story complex and all the lights in the apartment are on and Rain's pacing the living room, on the phone, smoking a cigarette, and I stand away from the window out of the light and Rain's wearing a robe and her face is swollen and wiped clear of makeup and the beauty of it is momentarily blurred and despite the panic infusing the apartment candles have still been lit and I can't hear anything except for a door slamming and then Rain clicks off the phone and Amanda walks in and I can't hear what they're saying to each other even when Rain starts shouting at her. Amanda says something that makes Rain stop shouting and she listens to Amanda and then both girls suddenly become hysterical and when Amanda reaches out, clutching at her, Rain slaps Amanda across the face. Amanda tries to slap Rain back but then she falls into Rain's arms and they hold each other for a long time until Amanda sinks to her knees. Rain leaves her there and hurriedly packs a gym bag that's sitting on the couch and Amanda, frantic, crawls toward Rain and tries to stop her. Rain throws the gym bag at Amanda, and Amanda clutches at it, weeping. And when I realize that Amanda Flew is Rain's roommate I have to look away.